There’s No Secrets This Year…

I’ll blow you kisses while you sleep and when I know you’re safe and dreaming my escape plans in full swing…”

Welcome back. I’ve decided to try and focus more on writing this year. I was listening to a podcast and someone was talking about the consistency of bipolar disorder and ADHD and such in comedians/artists and it made me think. Maybe certain types of people are meant to be creating. It doesn’t have to be the next great American novel but I think it has to do my brain some good to be getting things out again. Lord knows I’ve spent too much time in my own head.

“That’s when we fell in love but not for the first time…”

So I think things are officially over between me and the former wifey. Another 2 years of my life that apparently amounted to very little. Almost all of it is my own doing. Relationships don’t work without trust and I had done a wonderful job of destroying it every time I earned it back. It seems I broke things beyond repair this time around. I got the ol’ “here’s your stuff, bye” moment the other day. Along with some not so happy information that I’m gonna chose to not disclose here. My plan was (and to some extent still is..) to not give up on it. I’m stubborn to a obnoxiously unhealthy level. I do not easily give up on people and things I am passionate about and Kristin certainly was one of those things. I’d rather not spend my time writing about it all though. Yes it dominates my mind but no amount of ranting about it will change the situation or how I feel. I don’t even know if any actions I did would help. She is a very busy girl who I’m sure is going to be very happy and very successful one day. We’ll see how it all works out but I get the distinct feeling that she has moved on to bigger and better(?) things. I do wish she wasn’t “too busy” to deal with me though. I don’t know. I think she’s pretty justified in however she wants to treat me. I do wish I could fix it all but that’s not reality.

“You listen to reason while you’re face down in the dirt…”

So I’ve spent the past 6 months basically drinking, working and spending a lot of time alone and playing poker. It’s kind of pathetic in my humble opinion. At times I think I’m hopelessly miserable and at others I feel pretty content with the way life is going. I guess I’m adjusting to being alone and the many things that changed last year. Let’s take stock:

-My aunt unexpectedly dies.
-My best friend dives deeper into addiction and vanishes from my life
-I move out and lose my relationship in the process.
-My other best friend becomes enamored in her new relationship and spends more time talking to my room mate than me anymore.

I’m sure there’s other things but I really can’t be bothered to try and think about it. All of that is plenty enough. I don’t think I had “bad” year per say but there certainly was a ton of changes that came about. I’ve made it my goal to start moving towards something in 2010. The scary part is how utterly clueless about what I want that to be. Writer? Poker player? Computer geek? Worker ant my whole life? I don’t know but I’m getting older and time waits for no man. So it’s get my ass in gear time. I have to keep working on my mental issues, take better care of myself, make some more money some how, keep working on my poker game.

“It’ll take a lot more than bad luck just to kill me…”

It’s been a very odd past couple of months all around. It’s the most time I’ve spent pretty much “alone” in a loooooooong time and I don’t think I’ll ever be used to it. I thought I had moved on past all that but with the past week I feel just as lost and confused as I did in April. I’m curing it the same way I’ve always cured it. Diving into music and writing. We’ll see how it all works out in the end. Maybe there is the right girl for me out there. Maybe I already found her. Who knows. I certainly don’t.

Tunes: Trophy Scars – Good Luck
“Children running down the street in uniforms laughing in the rain
And heading towards me, they were yelling about something
They were singing in code, something like
Ten dead men on a dead mans chest, fight the war forget about the rest
They were searching for sunlight they were searching for gold

So I, catch a fever from the inside
Dip my hands into my pockets
Open up my wallet
Such a strange gesture to make in this town
“Sure, it ain’t gold but it gets me around.”

Then I grab a twenty from the inside
Hand it to the smallest, tell him “Spend it wisely.”
He looks up at me then back at the ground
I just wish him luck and turn right around

Now I talk to myself late at night
Or I try to connect with the ghost who was a best friend
My brother, my accomplice, another writer, my best man
And sometimes I feel so forgiven at night

I just put down the shades but I open my window
The bad luck just leaves me I hear Ben tell me
“Brother, you’re home.”

I think it all started in the summer ‘98
In Normandy New Jersey, later in the day
I was thinking about existence, and unaccepting fate
I was 14 years old, but what else can I say
Even then I knew time was gonna catch me

I graduated private school in the summer of ‘02
My first true love had left me and I didn’t know what to do
I moved into New York and I thought I found the truth
A pint glass full of paddy’s and pills you shouldn’t chew
Well, I swore that the drugs were gonna kill me

I was wrong I was wrong, I was writing a song
I tried to blame myself because she was gone
I didn’t know that she was unaffected, her bad luck came through a needle
I knew that the drugs were gonna kill her

Fast forward to the fall of ‘05
I met the girl of my dreams, and she helped me survive
Then she left my life at a complicated time
In march of ‘06 I attempted suicide
Well, I know that sudafed can’t kill me

For everyone who knew, yeah, I apologize
I’m sorry mom and dad, no I never meant to make you cry
Thanks to all my friends you’re the reason I’m alive
You make everyday worth living in this ribbon called time
Well, it’ll take more than bad luck just to kill me!

Limbs and things and verbs and sounds
I got ten years of words buried in the ground
They’re being reassembled by the ghost of Ben Brown
He’s adapting the screenplay even still now
And he better cast someone cool like Johnny Depp to play me

The child took my 20 and he looked me in the eyes
He said “Thanks, mister for the gold.” and continued walking by
I could see him proudly show his friends it made me want to cry
Cause all I could do was think of mine, I know I’m a lucky guy
And thank you all for everything I miss you all, goodnight…”

Longing

There is passion in persistence.
The soft glisten of hard work.
The perfection of patience.
The longing for realization.
There is anxiety in anticipation.
The twitch of terror.
The nervous flick.
The stumbled sentence.
How you long for that first time.
How you ache for the go ahead sign.
There is a sweet scent in success.

You Can Never Go Back…

“This is the story of the boys who loved you, who love you now and loved you then..”

I had grand plans of a night out with my whole friends. We’d laugh about old times. How far we’d come. Maybe drink some champagne to celebrate all of it. We’d talk about the drugs we did, the things we destroyed, the loves we’d lost and things gone by along the way.

We’d lay a 100 on black for the sake of chance. Because we knew that luck didn’t mean a damn in life anyway. I’d tell them my theory about a gameshow segment and how it’d related to the bigger picture of it all. It would be glorious.

Instead no one answered the phone and everyone had better things to do anyway.

“15 years gone now, I still cling to the petticoats of a girl who died with me…”

That was mostly dramatized cause I felt like being so and sometimes writing style is better than the truth anyway. But I was mighty looking forward to the night out and it did never happen. Instead I sat and gambled by myself for 12 hours mainly out of boredom and to escape my head for a little while. But it’s true. Maybe the past is truly gone and everyone moves on and you can never recapture the moments in the time.

Perhaps you have to value the people you have in your life in the moment that they are there. Otherwise, you’ll live it up and never think that it’ll be gone. Lovers,friends, family, a lot of it goes by unacknowledged. It’s kind of a shame when you think about it. But one can’t lose yourself to the past either I guess. I did that for a while too. You become obsessed with the great times that were and never look out for the great times that could be. I guess it all comes down to the strange concept of “time” and how it dictates everything in the world.

How different would our society of been if we hadn’t ever thought of it and let it rule us the way it does? Would philosophers, writers, and vagabonds be the upper class for deriving the most out of life? Would anything ever get done? Would we cherish every great thing for the moment it was there and would there be more of them? I don’t know. It’s pretty silly to imagine an impossibility I guess. I don’t even know what this entry is all about. I think I’m just stuck back on the “I don’t want to live the life everyone else does” thing I get from time to time. I just sometimes think I’m meant to wander in and out of peoples live and be on my own and do what makes me happy and try to sort myself out. Who knows. There are no great quests left to go on in this world anyway. You can never get away from the world we live in now.

And I think that’s kinda sad.

The Modern News Age,Web 2.0, and me.

“I ain’t talkin’ about it, I’m livin’ it…”

Can I say how sick I am of the news? I totally understand the serious impact this election will have on our society and country. I realize full well that the United States is a global power. But all it ever seems to be is a dull humm of worthless factoids and blown up “controversies”.  This is the first election I’ve been able to vote in and I plan full well on voting. What I don’t plan on doing is oversaturing myself with mindless “coverage” of every action made by every canidate. While the need for scrutiny of our future leaders is important, this has become parody.

Not to mention how little time is spent focused on actual issues, actual speeches, actual policy. I don’t care about Barack Obama making a metaphor about a pitbull and being in the news cycle for the next week. I don’t give a flying fuck what 30 different talking heads feel who “won” the debate. Instead of focusing on what was said and what it means for the our future it always seems to be some cheap excuse for tabloid press and forced feeding dribble to the masses to make them feel “informed”.

“And if she comes circling back, we’ll end where we begun like a penny on the train tracks the train smashed into one…”

Course I guess I’m contributing to the problem with my mindless rambling about it so I should probably drop the topic for the time being. Although apparently “politics” is the winning buzzword on WordPress. Oh well, that’s not really what I intend this blog to be. To be honest, I don’t know WHAT I intend this space to be. The digital age and Web 2.0 allow everyone to have their own little niche in the internet where they can voice their opinion or express their art. While I think it’s an amazing time I question if that’s such a good thing. Information should always be free and always openly exchanged but what quality do you lose by giving EVERYONE a voice? While I surely beleive everyone has the right to express whatever they well please I don’t know if it’s for the best.

“You made a holy fool of me and I thanked you ever since…”

So I guess this is my own little niche where I try and rattle off what bounces around my head for the masses. People will read it. Most won’t. I’ll feel better and like I’m contributing to the blogosphere that has entertained me so much and informed me even more. Because there is some level of beauty in reciprocity. I can’t say that I quite know what I plan on giving back quite yet though. Do I want it to be my view points? A view into my life? My thoughts on grand issues? My review of  video game? Pictures of beautiful women? Maybe all of it. Maybe that’s the true plan for success. You give tiny slivers of yourself into this digital world and maybe the people on the other side of the monitor get to know you a little better. And like the real world this is what keeps them coming back. To get to know you a little better.

“How can we live? When fools can be kings…”

So I hope I am atleast interesting enough to attract a few of you into my world. Maybe because you enjoy what I have to say or maybe cause you want to know what is going to happen next. All I know is this space is going to be purely me. Which can truly mean a whole lot of things.

Free Writing Expieriment

For those that don’t know, free writing is a practice in which you just simple write words. No goal other than to put words to the page/screen. It’s something I try and do when I find myself creatively blocked or just bored and wanting to write some words. The idea is simple, write. Write the first thing that comes to mind. No punctuation, no editing, no corrections. You put everything out and leave it as it is. I figured I’d try some on here give an idea of what it is.

trouble nervous anxious love trapped chains in love carving out my heart in her hands i dont know the faithful liars and lovers lay together in lewd ways shooting up hard and fast sweating long and lively this is the way we kill each other human race is going to hell my head is a mess of clutter and problems i am the devil of heart breakers this is the secret to the gates of all hell dying jumping suicide love pain indecisiveness letting it out words hitting the page type faster love harder break her heart action but no substance love but no words words but no faith faith but no god god but no love catch cause im falling hard for your smile and laughter you are my hope return form dedicate  yourself fix it all

Generally I’ll go back and try and look at what I wrote an extrapolate some ideas from it. But sometimes it’s just good to let everything out.

I am the beast.

Somethings I think that I am the most self destructive person I’ve ever met. I have a disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder. I found this out a couple months ago. Quite frankly it came as a huge shock to me. I was reading about it for a totally different reason. As I read more about it, I realized it explained a little bit too much and hit a little bit too close to home.

“The lies I weave are so intricate”

It leads to all kinds of problem in my life. School is a constant challenge. Any problem I face seems insurmountable. It truly is a vicious circle because problems get worse and I want to solve them more which makes me more anxious which causes me to be unable to fix them. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t ruined relationships with friends and family and lovers. I’m working on it now but it seems almost impossible to change. How to solve a problem that causes you to be unable to solve problems?

In other news, my favorite uncle has been diagnosed with Huntingtons Disease. I’ve been slightly freaking because it will be the first time I’ve dealt with something like this when I’ve been old enough to understand it. Needless to say it’s set off all kinds of emotions in my head.

So…about “me”…

Where to start? I’ve been a “blogger” for about 7 years now. It all started bag on the days of melodramatic.com. Old blog heads will recall that site. I’ve been off and on. Lately I’ve been getting back into reading a lot and decided I needed a “real” blog. I figure if other people can draw great readership. Why can’t I?

I’m a young man (I think I am going to decide to not divulge my age). I live in the east coast by the beach. I work a lot. I’m in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman.

I love music. I carry my ipod everywhere. I listen to a lot of rap right now. Some hardcore. Some rock. HUGE fan of podcasts as well.

I game. I have a huge tattoo of a comic book character (I bet you can’t guess who!) and am mostly a huge geek.

So yea, that’s me…

Coming Soon…

Something of note in this space.