April 30, 2009
She says I’m sick and tired of life…”
So I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what I was even thinking. I just left her. I don’t even know if it was the right thing. Actually I do know that. I know I wasn’t happy at times. She was so hard and so easy to love all at the same time. All I knew is that I had to get my best friend out of where she was and I was the only person that could do it. It was the hardest choice I’ve truly ever had to make and I still don’t know what to do. I miss her at times. But I also enjoy the freedom I’ve found. I love seeing my friends again.
Been so lonely without you here…”
Lately I’ve found myself being very self destructive though. Almost like I’m punishing myself for what I did. I do feel guilty. I do hate myself for doing it. I do think I deserve to be hated by her for it. I loved that girl. I still do. Always will. I would have given anything to have her trust me but that was something I lost the rights to and couldn’t seem to earn back. Maybe I was just impatient. Who knows…I’ve never broken someone’s heart before and I don’t think I got the stomach for it.
On top of it all I’m chasing an impossible girl which is all I ever seem to do. I don’t know why I do this. Maybe I feel some long desire to prove to myself I’m good enough to be loved. Or maybe I just like a fucking challenge. Either way…I’d like to just be the one being chased after for once. Maybe I’ll try it someday.
April 30, 2009
There is passion in persistence.
The soft glisten of hard work.
The perfection of patience.
The longing for realization.
There is anxiety in anticipation.
The twitch of terror.
The nervous flick.
The stumbled sentence.
How you long for that first time.
How you ache for the go ahead sign.
There is a sweet scent in success.
February 22, 2009
“This is the story of the boys who loved you, who love you now and loved you then..”
I had grand plans of a night out with my whole friends. We’d laugh about old times. How far we’d come. Maybe drink some champagne to celebrate all of it. We’d talk about the drugs we did, the things we destroyed, the loves we’d lost and things gone by along the way.
We’d lay a 100 on black for the sake of chance. Because we knew that luck didn’t mean a damn in life anyway. I’d tell them my theory about a gameshow segment and how it’d related to the bigger picture of it all. It would be glorious.
Instead no one answered the phone and everyone had better things to do anyway.
“15 years gone now, I still cling to the petticoats of a girl who died with me…”
That was mostly dramatized cause I felt like being so and sometimes writing style is better than the truth anyway. But I was mighty looking forward to the night out and it did never happen. Instead I sat and gambled by myself for 12 hours mainly out of boredom and to escape my head for a little while. But it’s true. Maybe the past is truly gone and everyone moves on and you can never recapture the moments in the time.
Perhaps you have to value the people you have in your life in the moment that they are there. Otherwise, you’ll live it up and never think that it’ll be gone. Lovers,friends, family, a lot of it goes by unacknowledged. It’s kind of a shame when you think about it. But one can’t lose yourself to the past either I guess. I did that for a while too. You become obsessed with the great times that were and never look out for the great times that could be. I guess it all comes down to the strange concept of “time” and how it dictates everything in the world.
How different would our society of been if we hadn’t ever thought of it and let it rule us the way it does? Would philosophers, writers, and vagabonds be the upper class for deriving the most out of life? Would anything ever get done? Would we cherish every great thing for the moment it was there and would there be more of them? I don’t know. It’s pretty silly to imagine an impossibility I guess. I don’t even know what this entry is all about. I think I’m just stuck back on the “I don’t want to live the life everyone else does” thing I get from time to time. I just sometimes think I’m meant to wander in and out of peoples live and be on my own and do what makes me happy and try to sort myself out. Who knows. There are no great quests left to go on in this world anyway. You can never get away from the world we live in now.
And I think that’s kinda sad.
December 12, 2008
If you got a blog and you play poker…you’d be nuts to not play in this thing.
December 12, 2008
“Ain’t nothing but trouble…”
Oh boy. I’ve slacked on writing a little bit. I know. I try not to. I have the nasty habit of being very erratic with my venting and blogging. Luckily I’ve found myself in a weird mood lately so here I am again. There really isn’t any reason for it either. It could be the complete deluge of rain we’ve been having. Or maybe that I haven’t been working very much to keep myself busy. Who knows.
“Oh dear god, I don’t feel alive!…”
Poker has been going…as poker does. It is what it is. I think I’m a stunningly average player 
. But I enjoy playing and it’s my recreation. Coley jokingly (I hope..) says I have a problem but I think that’s ridiculous. I never gamble with money that I would need for something else and I generally stick within my bankroll…
“Always wanna go but you never wanna stay…”
Speaking of which…I can’t really talk about her here cause she reads this thing. I feel like I’d just be using it as another means of getting to her.
I don’t know. I suppose I don’t really have much to say this entry. There’s not a lot of deep thinking going on in my head right now. It’s 6:48 AM. I was staring at price tags for the past 8 hours. Cut me some slack.
October 15, 2008
“She led him a masochistic kiss…”
So I finally did it. Me and the girlfriend finally broke up. Oddly enough it happened at my mothers wedding reception. Don’t worry, the irony isn’t lost on me. A lot of it had to do with the alcohol and the emotion of the event but it happened none the less. I hit a wall and finally said I had enough.
Needless to say this came as a bit of a shock to her and I really am struggling with keeping to my decision. I know it’s best from me in the long term but it’s hard. I’m a fairly selfless person and it takes a lot for me to do something in purely my best interest. The truth is we could not go on like we were. My borderline outbursts were becoming more frequent and I was losing a lot of control. I began to feel like I was becoming a very angry and bitter person. I don’t want to continue to treat her that way and I really feel I would of. Maybe once I have my head in better shape we can give it another shot but I kind of don’t know if that will happen. I get the feeling I’ve kind of ruined me and her. I don’t know. She’s taken it better than I expected. She’s not happy but she didn’t kill herself so I have that going for me…
I wanna know whats going on in that pretty little head of yours…
So I have plans with Coley tonight to have fun and drink. Should be good times. I’ve been talking to her a lot recently and I really really enjoy our conversations. She’s super smart and very… I don’t know. She’s a girl with a good head on her shoulders and that’s a rarity. Not to mention cute.
So you can flip a couple birds, I can triple that in verbs….
Poker has been going pretty well. Triple up my bankroll and then went on a roller coaster ride of up and down swings. Deciding to take about 2/3 of my roll out and rebuild from there since I was titling pretty bad earlier and almost lost a lot moving up in limits I shouldn’t be playing in quite yet. Proper bankroll management is one THE most important parts of poker and I’m trying really hard to stick to it. It’s hard knowing I built my first roll up to $1500+ by taking a couple shots but I was running incredibly good for those couple weeks. Slow and steady is worth it.
October 2, 2008
“I ain’t talkin’ about it, I’m livin’ it…”
Can I say how sick I am of the news? I totally understand the serious impact this election will have on our society and country. I realize full well that the United States is a global power. But all it ever seems to be is a dull humm of worthless factoids and blown up “controversies”. This is the first election I’ve been able to vote in and I plan full well on voting. What I don’t plan on doing is oversaturing myself with mindless “coverage” of every action made by every canidate. While the need for scrutiny of our future leaders is important, this has become parody.
Not to mention how little time is spent focused on actual issues, actual speeches, actual policy. I don’t care about Barack Obama making a metaphor about a pitbull and being in the news cycle for the next week. I don’t give a flying fuck what 30 different talking heads feel who “won” the debate. Instead of focusing on what was said and what it means for the our future it always seems to be some cheap excuse for tabloid press and forced feeding dribble to the masses to make them feel “informed”.
“And if she comes circling back, we’ll end where we begun like a penny on the train tracks the train smashed into one…”
Course I guess I’m contributing to the problem with my mindless rambling about it so I should probably drop the topic for the time being. Although apparently “politics” is the winning buzzword on WordPress. Oh well, that’s not really what I intend this blog to be. To be honest, I don’t know WHAT I intend this space to be. The digital age and Web 2.0 allow everyone to have their own little niche in the internet where they can voice their opinion or express their art. While I think it’s an amazing time I question if that’s such a good thing. Information should always be free and always openly exchanged but what quality do you lose by giving EVERYONE a voice? While I surely beleive everyone has the right to express whatever they well please I don’t know if it’s for the best.
“You made a holy fool of me and I thanked you ever since…”
So I guess this is my own little niche where I try and rattle off what bounces around my head for the masses. People will read it. Most won’t. I’ll feel better and like I’m contributing to the blogosphere that has entertained me so much and informed me even more. Because there is some level of beauty in reciprocity. I can’t say that I quite know what I plan on giving back quite yet though. Do I want it to be my view points? A view into my life? My thoughts on grand issues? My review of video game? Pictures of beautiful women? Maybe all of it. Maybe that’s the true plan for success. You give tiny slivers of yourself into this digital world and maybe the people on the other side of the monitor get to know you a little better. And like the real world this is what keeps them coming back. To get to know you a little better.
“How can we live? When fools can be kings…”
So I hope I am atleast interesting enough to attract a few of you into my world. Maybe because you enjoy what I have to say or maybe cause you want to know what is going to happen next. All I know is this space is going to be purely me. Which can truly mean a whole lot of things.
October 1, 2008
For those that don’t know, free writing is a practice in which you just simple write words. No goal other than to put words to the page/screen. It’s something I try and do when I find myself creatively blocked or just bored and wanting to write some words. The idea is simple, write. Write the first thing that comes to mind. No punctuation, no editing, no corrections. You put everything out and leave it as it is. I figured I’d try some on here give an idea of what it is.
trouble nervous anxious love trapped chains in love carving out my heart in her hands i dont know the faithful liars and lovers lay together in lewd ways shooting up hard and fast sweating long and lively this is the way we kill each other human race is going to hell my head is a mess of clutter and problems i am the devil of heart breakers this is the secret to the gates of all hell dying jumping suicide love pain indecisiveness letting it out words hitting the page type faster love harder break her heart action but no substance love but no words words but no faith faith but no god god but no love catch cause im falling hard for your smile and laughter you are my hope return form dedicate yourself fix it all
Generally I’ll go back and try and look at what I wrote an extrapolate some ideas from it. But sometimes it’s just good to let everything out.
September 30, 2008
“Caught me making eyes at the other boaters wives and heard me laughing louder at the jokes told their daughters…”
I’ve got a new girl in my life. She is young and beautiful. She reminds me of a very happy time in my life when things were a tad bit simpler than they have grown to be. Right now we are but friends and I can’t say I even want things to develop past that. I think I would be alas we are both in relationship and she seems quite content in hers. But I do quite enjoy her company and she seems to very much enjoy mine as well. Who knows with these things. I’ve been out of “the game” for so long that I can’t even read simple signals I once would of been able to. A couple years ago I would of had this girl eating out of the palm of my hand. Yet I awkwardly find myself running the same moves of the past but with a lot less perfection. Almost like a professional athlete who has lost a step or two in his old age or to injuries. I like to think I have a shot…but maybe beautiful girls are a young mans game.
“If you love me, won’t ya let me go…”
I feel utterly trapped in my relationship. It’s so unbearably hard to be the sole source of someones happiness. And to have someone who needs you so strongly. I wish I could fix things for her but I frankly can’t do a thing for her. I can barely help myself. Our relationship has turned into a experiment in masochism for me. I love her but she has turned into a weight on my shoulders that I don’t think I can carry. I’ve never broken a heart before though. I don’t know how to do it. Nor do I know how to do it knowing full well it very likely means the end of her life as her and I know it…
“You don’t know…what you do to me…”
I think I may have a gambling problem. Not a huge problem. Nothing insane. I just have a huge fondness for the game of Poker and I feel I have a very good chance of developing into a VERY good player. I just haven’t quite got there yet. I just love every bit of the game. The math, the people watching, the reading of body language, the knowing when to make it move. It’s a natural game to me because it’s things I’ve always prided myself on. With my recent birthday I can now legally play in casino’s and already made a slightly costly trip to AC. I’ve decided to take a break away from the game for a month or two and build my finances up and focus on other things for a bit then come back with a fresh mind. It’ll be hard but I think it’ll be better for my game.
Other than that, things are what they have always been. I’m a little crazy in the head. I’m a little depressed. I’m working. Listening to lots of music. And now I’m trying to get back to writing a little here and there.
I think October is going to be a very big month. I feel the seasons of change a coming.
