Do-do-do Your Dirty Worst

“Been there done that, messed around, I’m having fun don’t put me down, I won’t let you sweep me off my feet…”

Oh the trials of my life. I’m trying my best to maintain two blogs, write a book, get a girlfriend, make some money and improve myself. Seems like a lot to juggle but I think everyone could say something similar. My recent re dedication to writing has helped me a lot. I’ve pretty much dropped the burden of always assuming what I write is crap. I try my best to be objective and criticize it but I think I go a bit too hard. Plus there’s something said to just be creating. Even if it’s not good, it’s something. Half the battle is putting words down most of the time so at the very least I got the juice flowing.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking Pinky?

Ok. So let’s evaluate things a little bit. Yes I spend 90% of my time doing that anyway but I feel like putting it into text will help. The past year has been completely unacceptable. Yes I’ve had years like it before but I usually at the very least had someone to spend it with. It’s amazing the perspective loneliness can give.

I am going to fix my broken fucked up smile the best I can. I’m going to hate it. I am going to try and avoid it. IGNORE THIS FEELING. It’s only the crazy in my brain talking. I may not have the cash to do all the work I need done (only myself to blame for 1. being broke and 2. letting it get this bad). I need to try and not get discouraged. First step is getting my insurance all straightened out on Monday. Once I know I’m all covered, make an appointment ASAP. I want to get the ball rolling as soon as possible. If I can get the 3 front teeth I want fixed within the next 6-8 months I will have considered this a success. If I only get one or two done, that’s still better then what I’ve been doing.

I also need to stop putting these females so much further above me. I’ve been coming off slightly desperate and lonely and that is not at all me. I mean I AM lonely and I am pretty fucking sexually frustrated but guess what? When you have fucked up teeth and barely any cash, coming off like a desperate loser is only going to hurt an already damaged case. If by some act of God I get Kristin back or find someone new, awesome. If not, I’m still young. There will be more girls. I need to apply my life motto to girls a lot more. It’s really NTS if some girl texts me back or if I get a date or a kiss or laid or whatever. I mean Kristin….is kinda serious. But I do need to back off a little more on her too. The best move is to act mostly disinterested and see what comes to me. If nothing does, so be it.

Get your swagga back daddy, where’s your focus been at?

Stop being such a bitch. You don’t like your fucked up smile? Fix what you can. Stop being afraid. You’ll feel so much better. Get your swagger back. Stop hiding in your room. Stop letting the crazy run your life. Run your own shit. WORK HARDER. BE SMARTER. I want to be more than this. I can be more than this. I am going to be. Stop wasting hours/days/weeks/months. Life isn’t going to slow down for my fucked up little head so it’s time to fix it. Get a good girl. Seduce her. Find someone who loves you for you. Imperfect as I may be.

EMBODY YOUR ROLE MODELS. You want to be the next Phil Ivey or Jay-Z? Get out there and work. It takes a fuck ton of work to be a legend. They didn’t sit on their asses waiting. They forced it. Imma do the same. I’m going to write my book. I’m gonna get the girl of my dreams. I’m going to make some real money. I want success.

The misery that hounded you.

Fuck em all. I hate days like this. I hate everything. I get that feeling in my stomach and I want to smash everything. It’s terribly dangerous and I vastly prefer being depressed to this side of my mental bullshit. I try and remember that it’s my mind playing tricks with me but when I’m like this, I don’t care. I want to spit all the vitriol in my head at whoever. I want to be left alone more than anything. Mainly because anything anyone does is going to make me pissed in some way shape or form. Atleast it’s impossible to mistake these moods. I never get this angry.

I’m worried. What if I’m like this the rest of my life? What if I never fix all the things I want to? I probably won’t. I lack the money means or support system to do it. Most likely scenario is I end up alone or dead. Probably both? A fairly significant number of people with borderline seem to end up offing themselves. I don’t think that’s me but when you have days like this I can understand it. It’s not easy to try and suck all this emotion down and not lash out. It’s virtually impossible and if you do pull it off, jesus is it tiring. I can’t imagine what I’d be like if I woke up like this everyday. I guess a miserable bastard. I’m not that guy though.

I guess I want to figure out how to be more of the funny guy that people seem to like. It’s certainly “me” but there also is a fair bit of bullshit tied into all that I feel. I don’t think I can be both that person and this one. They don’t co-exist.

One Bad Day….

I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind to depression and anger. I have a ton of self resentment bottled up inside of me and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t turn it on myself since I’m already doing that. I’m absolutely miserable. I’m broke. And I feel alone. I’m madly in love with a girl who I treated like shit and shoved out of my life when she was most likely the best thing for me. She’s long gone and onto better things and most likely a better boyfriend.

So I sit here everyday formulating worthless plans in my head to get her back that I inevitably won’t ever follow through on because she’s better off far far away from me. I just feel very empty anymore and I’m having a harder and harder time trying to fill the void. I wonder at one point do I stop encompassing these feelings. When do they start encompassing me? Have they already? Feels like it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have all these things in my head I want to say to her. I have all these things I want to do. But I can’t. I just want it back and the hilarious part about it….I’m the one who gave it away.

The saddest part about it all is that the only thing keeping me going right now is the irrational hopeless side of me that still thinks somewhere she loves. Some how I’ll get her back. It’s not healthy. Probably not sane. And almost positively not true…yet a stupid retarded insane part of my heart/brain DOES want to write her a love letter/just a letter every day for a 100 days. I want to see if I could do it. I want to reconnect. I want to make it right. But real life isn’t the movies. And people don’t change. Well I would for her…I’d change it all.

I want to get out of this place my heads at. It’s really exhausting to be where I am mentally and not know where to turn. All I know is that where ever my mind is currently residing, it’s very dark and not very safe. I heard someone refer to depression as a “blanket”. One day you just kinda get wrapped up in it and you want to struggle and kick and thrash. He said that the real trick is to learn to accept that and let the feeling course through you until it passes. I’ve been trying to do that but after a good 6 months…I’m beginning to think I’m gonna suffocate under this blanket. I gave up the love of my life and the woman I truly wanted to marry to try and save another drug addict best friend that mostly relies on me as a co-dependent than anything else. I don’t know. I wish I had tried to deal with these thoughts sooner…I wish I would of done something months and months ago…I always get it right a year too late.

Filling The Void

“Take me out tonight where there’s music and people who are young and alive…”

I’m not even the slightest bit surprised at my failure to commit to writing. I fell short of that like most goals I set that don’t involve booze, women or money. I can’t decide if my laziness fuels my mental bog or if the bog causes me to be lazy. Must be a chicken or egg scenario. Who knows. This is the first time I’ve actually shut off all the stimuli I use to cause my mind to wander. I find I am able to get through the days if I keep my mind and body wandering about aimlessly. It’s just about all I know anymore. Quite fitting if you track the arc of my life. I’ve been an aimless wanderer since my parents divorce I’d wager. Maybe before. Maybe I’m destined for this. It’s a re-occurring theme and it’s constant presence is disgusting to me. Maybe cause in my heart of hearts I know I only have myself to blame. Ah self indulgence in textual form. It’s bad when you feel bad about talking about yourself even in your private journal.

“The earth, it spins, it shakes, it spits you out, it knows your name…”

For the past 4-6 months (I honestly don’t know when it started…) I have been trying to fill a huge void in my soul/heart/mind/life. I don’t know what it is. My inner shrink says it’s me struggling to deal with a lack of identity after associating my personal worth so much with Kristin’s happiness. She seems to be doing much better than I did. She most likely dove head first into the abyss and came out the other end the girl I see now. I did what I have always done which is construct more walls and dig deeper trenches. I have these monstrous walls I build. The closest person in my life is Bess. I never talk to her about anything involving my feelings/thoughts. A part of it is that she understands me so well it almost isn’t worth saying. We are finely attuned to ones moods so I imagine she picks up on some of it. But being who she is she understands that I would sooner choke on my own blood then discuss out loud the insanity in my head. It’s terribly unhealthy and not at all what normal people should do. Eventually the weight of your own regrets/decisions/indecision comes down on you. It tumbles down from the roof of your mind and crushes through the first floor of your heart and soul. You are left with the shell of a person. The person you knew. The person you want to be. All that’s left is the mask of maintaining. I’ve been trying to fill that whole with drugs, booze, gambling, music, reading, video games, everything. There is nothing that will fill it other than to rebuild.

“Even if you don’t look back, find out who was there, what they want…”

Yet I’ve had that realization so many times before. I seem hard wired to shove myself away from everyone and everything. It’s terrifying/baffling to try and think of how I would go about TRULY opening up to anyone. I seem to push myself to a certain point with people I care about but then promptly backlash harder the other way. Not to mention the few times I have tried have been miserable failures. I don’t even know. What kind of life do I want? What kind of person am I? I’ve grown very tired of this void within me. Hell I’ve grown very tired in general. I don’t think I can keep on like this much longer. Sadly I fear I lack the means to change…

There’s No Secrets This Year…

I’ll blow you kisses while you sleep and when I know you’re safe and dreaming my escape plans in full swing…”

Welcome back. I’ve decided to try and focus more on writing this year. I was listening to a podcast and someone was talking about the consistency of bipolar disorder and ADHD and such in comedians/artists and it made me think. Maybe certain types of people are meant to be creating. It doesn’t have to be the next great American novel but I think it has to do my brain some good to be getting things out again. Lord knows I’ve spent too much time in my own head.

“That’s when we fell in love but not for the first time…”

So I think things are officially over between me and the former wifey. Another 2 years of my life that apparently amounted to very little. Almost all of it is my own doing. Relationships don’t work without trust and I had done a wonderful job of destroying it every time I earned it back. It seems I broke things beyond repair this time around. I got the ol’ “here’s your stuff, bye” moment the other day. Along with some not so happy information that I’m gonna chose to not disclose here. My plan was (and to some extent still is..) to not give up on it. I’m stubborn to a obnoxiously unhealthy level. I do not easily give up on people and things I am passionate about and Kristin certainly was one of those things. I’d rather not spend my time writing about it all though. Yes it dominates my mind but no amount of ranting about it will change the situation or how I feel. I don’t even know if any actions I did would help. She is a very busy girl who I’m sure is going to be very happy and very successful one day. We’ll see how it all works out but I get the distinct feeling that she has moved on to bigger and better(?) things. I do wish she wasn’t “too busy” to deal with me though. I don’t know. I think she’s pretty justified in however she wants to treat me. I do wish I could fix it all but that’s not reality.

“You listen to reason while you’re face down in the dirt…”

So I’ve spent the past 6 months basically drinking, working and spending a lot of time alone and playing poker. It’s kind of pathetic in my humble opinion. At times I think I’m hopelessly miserable and at others I feel pretty content with the way life is going. I guess I’m adjusting to being alone and the many things that changed last year. Let’s take stock:

-My aunt unexpectedly dies.
-My best friend dives deeper into addiction and vanishes from my life
-I move out and lose my relationship in the process.
-My other best friend becomes enamored in her new relationship and spends more time talking to my room mate than me anymore.

I’m sure there’s other things but I really can’t be bothered to try and think about it. All of that is plenty enough. I don’t think I had “bad” year per say but there certainly was a ton of changes that came about. I’ve made it my goal to start moving towards something in 2010. The scary part is how utterly clueless about what I want that to be. Writer? Poker player? Computer geek? Worker ant my whole life? I don’t know but I’m getting older and time waits for no man. So it’s get my ass in gear time. I have to keep working on my mental issues, take better care of myself, make some more money some how, keep working on my poker game.

“It’ll take a lot more than bad luck just to kill me…”

It’s been a very odd past couple of months all around. It’s the most time I’ve spent pretty much “alone” in a loooooooong time and I don’t think I’ll ever be used to it. I thought I had moved on past all that but with the past week I feel just as lost and confused as I did in April. I’m curing it the same way I’ve always cured it. Diving into music and writing. We’ll see how it all works out in the end. Maybe there is the right girl for me out there. Maybe I already found her. Who knows. I certainly don’t.

Tunes: Trophy Scars – Good Luck
“Children running down the street in uniforms laughing in the rain
And heading towards me, they were yelling about something
They were singing in code, something like
Ten dead men on a dead mans chest, fight the war forget about the rest
They were searching for sunlight they were searching for gold

So I, catch a fever from the inside
Dip my hands into my pockets
Open up my wallet
Such a strange gesture to make in this town
“Sure, it ain’t gold but it gets me around.”

Then I grab a twenty from the inside
Hand it to the smallest, tell him “Spend it wisely.”
He looks up at me then back at the ground
I just wish him luck and turn right around

Now I talk to myself late at night
Or I try to connect with the ghost who was a best friend
My brother, my accomplice, another writer, my best man
And sometimes I feel so forgiven at night

I just put down the shades but I open my window
The bad luck just leaves me I hear Ben tell me
“Brother, you’re home.”

I think it all started in the summer ’98
In Normandy New Jersey, later in the day
I was thinking about existence, and unaccepting fate
I was 14 years old, but what else can I say
Even then I knew time was gonna catch me

I graduated private school in the summer of ’02
My first true love had left me and I didn’t know what to do
I moved into New York and I thought I found the truth
A pint glass full of paddy’s and pills you shouldn’t chew
Well, I swore that the drugs were gonna kill me

I was wrong I was wrong, I was writing a song
I tried to blame myself because she was gone
I didn’t know that she was unaffected, her bad luck came through a needle
I knew that the drugs were gonna kill her

Fast forward to the fall of ’05
I met the girl of my dreams, and she helped me survive
Then she left my life at a complicated time
In march of ’06 I attempted suicide
Well, I know that sudafed can’t kill me

For everyone who knew, yeah, I apologize
I’m sorry mom and dad, no I never meant to make you cry
Thanks to all my friends you’re the reason I’m alive
You make everyday worth living in this ribbon called time
Well, it’ll take more than bad luck just to kill me!

Limbs and things and verbs and sounds
I got ten years of words buried in the ground
They’re being reassembled by the ghost of Ben Brown
He’s adapting the screenplay even still now
And he better cast someone cool like Johnny Depp to play me

The child took my 20 and he looked me in the eyes
He said “Thanks, mister for the gold.” and continued walking by
I could see him proudly show his friends it made me want to cry
Cause all I could do was think of mine, I know I’m a lucky guy
And thank you all for everything I miss you all, goodnight…”

Longing

There is passion in persistence.
The soft glisten of hard work.
The perfection of patience.
The longing for realization.
There is anxiety in anticipation.
The twitch of terror.
The nervous flick.
The stumbled sentence.
How you long for that first time.
How you ache for the go ahead sign.
There is a sweet scent in success.

You Can Never Go Back…

“This is the story of the boys who loved you, who love you now and loved you then..”

I had grand plans of a night out with my whole friends. We’d laugh about old times. How far we’d come. Maybe drink some champagne to celebrate all of it. We’d talk about the drugs we did, the things we destroyed, the loves we’d lost and things gone by along the way.

We’d lay a 100 on black for the sake of chance. Because we knew that luck didn’t mean a damn in life anyway. I’d tell them my theory about a gameshow segment and how it’d related to the bigger picture of it all. It would be glorious.

Instead no one answered the phone and everyone had better things to do anyway.

“15 years gone now, I still cling to the petticoats of a girl who died with me…”

That was mostly dramatized cause I felt like being so and sometimes writing style is better than the truth anyway. But I was mighty looking forward to the night out and it did never happen. Instead I sat and gambled by myself for 12 hours mainly out of boredom and to escape my head for a little while. But it’s true. Maybe the past is truly gone and everyone moves on and you can never recapture the moments in the time.

Perhaps you have to value the people you have in your life in the moment that they are there. Otherwise, you’ll live it up and never think that it’ll be gone. Lovers,friends, family, a lot of it goes by unacknowledged. It’s kind of a shame when you think about it. But one can’t lose yourself to the past either I guess. I did that for a while too. You become obsessed with the great times that were and never look out for the great times that could be. I guess it all comes down to the strange concept of “time” and how it dictates everything in the world.

How different would our society of been if we hadn’t ever thought of it and let it rule us the way it does? Would philosophers, writers, and vagabonds be the upper class for deriving the most out of life? Would anything ever get done? Would we cherish every great thing for the moment it was there and would there be more of them? I don’t know. It’s pretty silly to imagine an impossibility I guess. I don’t even know what this entry is all about. I think I’m just stuck back on the “I don’t want to live the life everyone else does” thing I get from time to time. I just sometimes think I’m meant to wander in and out of peoples live and be on my own and do what makes me happy and try to sort myself out. Who knows. There are no great quests left to go on in this world anyway. You can never get away from the world we live in now.

And I think that’s kinda sad.

The Modern News Age,Web 2.0, and me.

“I ain’t talkin’ about it, I’m livin’ it…”

Can I say how sick I am of the news? I totally understand the serious impact this election will have on our society and country. I realize full well that the United States is a global power. But all it ever seems to be is a dull humm of worthless factoids and blown up “controversies”.  This is the first election I’ve been able to vote in and I plan full well on voting. What I don’t plan on doing is oversaturing myself with mindless “coverage” of every action made by every canidate. While the need for scrutiny of our future leaders is important, this has become parody.

Not to mention how little time is spent focused on actual issues, actual speeches, actual policy. I don’t care about Barack Obama making a metaphor about a pitbull and being in the news cycle for the next week. I don’t give a flying fuck what 30 different talking heads feel who “won” the debate. Instead of focusing on what was said and what it means for the our future it always seems to be some cheap excuse for tabloid press and forced feeding dribble to the masses to make them feel “informed”.

“And if she comes circling back, we’ll end where we begun like a penny on the train tracks the train smashed into one…”

Course I guess I’m contributing to the problem with my mindless rambling about it so I should probably drop the topic for the time being. Although apparently “politics” is the winning buzzword on WordPress. Oh well, that’s not really what I intend this blog to be. To be honest, I don’t know WHAT I intend this space to be. The digital age and Web 2.0 allow everyone to have their own little niche in the internet where they can voice their opinion or express their art. While I think it’s an amazing time I question if that’s such a good thing. Information should always be free and always openly exchanged but what quality do you lose by giving EVERYONE a voice? While I surely beleive everyone has the right to express whatever they well please I don’t know if it’s for the best.

“You made a holy fool of me and I thanked you ever since…”

So I guess this is my own little niche where I try and rattle off what bounces around my head for the masses. People will read it. Most won’t. I’ll feel better and like I’m contributing to the blogosphere that has entertained me so much and informed me even more. Because there is some level of beauty in reciprocity. I can’t say that I quite know what I plan on giving back quite yet though. Do I want it to be my view points? A view into my life? My thoughts on grand issues? My review of  video game? Pictures of beautiful women? Maybe all of it. Maybe that’s the true plan for success. You give tiny slivers of yourself into this digital world and maybe the people on the other side of the monitor get to know you a little better. And like the real world this is what keeps them coming back. To get to know you a little better.

“How can we live? When fools can be kings…”

So I hope I am atleast interesting enough to attract a few of you into my world. Maybe because you enjoy what I have to say or maybe cause you want to know what is going to happen next. All I know is this space is going to be purely me. Which can truly mean a whole lot of things.