“Take me out tonight where there’s music and people who are young and alive…”
I’m not even the slightest bit surprised at my failure to commit to writing. I fell short of that like most goals I set that don’t involve booze, women or money. I can’t decide if my laziness fuels my mental bog or if the bog causes me to be lazy. Must be a chicken or egg scenario. Who knows. This is the first time I’ve actually shut off all the stimuli I use to cause my mind to wander. I find I am able to get through the days if I keep my mind and body wandering about aimlessly. It’s just about all I know anymore. Quite fitting if you track the arc of my life. I’ve been an aimless wanderer since my parents divorce I’d wager. Maybe before. Maybe I’m destined for this. It’s a re-occurring theme and it’s constant presence is disgusting to me. Maybe cause in my heart of hearts I know I only have myself to blame. Ah self indulgence in textual form. It’s bad when you feel bad about talking about yourself even in your private journal.
“The earth, it spins, it shakes, it spits you out, it knows your name…”
For the past 4-6 months (I honestly don’t know when it started…) I have been trying to fill a huge void in my soul/heart/mind/life. I don’t know what it is. My inner shrink says it’s me struggling to deal with a lack of identity after associating my personal worth so much with Kristin’s happiness. She seems to be doing much better than I did. She most likely dove head first into the abyss and came out the other end the girl I see now. I did what I have always done which is construct more walls and dig deeper trenches. I have these monstrous walls I build. The closest person in my life is Bess. I never talk to her about anything involving my feelings/thoughts. A part of it is that she understands me so well it almost isn’t worth saying. We are finely attuned to ones moods so I imagine she picks up on some of it. But being who she is she understands that I would sooner choke on my own blood then discuss out loud the insanity in my head. It’s terribly unhealthy and not at all what normal people should do. Eventually the weight of your own regrets/decisions/indecision comes down on you. It tumbles down from the roof of your mind and crushes through the first floor of your heart and soul. You are left with the shell of a person. The person you knew. The person you want to be. All that’s left is the mask of maintaining. I’ve been trying to fill that whole with drugs, booze, gambling, music, reading, video games, everything. There is nothing that will fill it other than to rebuild.
“Even if you don’t look back, find out who was there, what they want…”
Yet I’ve had that realization so many times before. I seem hard wired to shove myself away from everyone and everything. It’s terrifying/baffling to try and think of how I would go about TRULY opening up to anyone. I seem to push myself to a certain point with people I care about but then promptly backlash harder the other way. Not to mention the few times I have tried have been miserable failures. I don’t even know. What kind of life do I want? What kind of person am I? I’ve grown very tired of this void within me. Hell I’ve grown very tired in general. I don’t think I can keep on like this much longer. Sadly I fear I lack the means to change…
