I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind to depression and anger. I have a ton of self resentment bottled up inside of me and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t turn it on myself since I’m already doing that. I’m absolutely miserable. I’m broke. And I feel alone. I’m madly in love with a girl who I treated like shit and shoved out of my life when she was most likely the best thing for me. She’s long gone and onto better things and most likely a better boyfriend.
So I sit here everyday formulating worthless plans in my head to get her back that I inevitably won’t ever follow through on because she’s better off far far away from me. I just feel very empty anymore and I’m having a harder and harder time trying to fill the void. I wonder at one point do I stop encompassing these feelings. When do they start encompassing me? Have they already? Feels like it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have all these things in my head I want to say to her. I have all these things I want to do. But I can’t. I just want it back and the hilarious part about it….I’m the one who gave it away.
The saddest part about it all is that the only thing keeping me going right now is the irrational hopeless side of me that still thinks somewhere she loves. Some how I’ll get her back. It’s not healthy. Probably not sane. And almost positively not true…yet a stupid retarded insane part of my heart/brain DOES want to write her a love letter/just a letter every day for a 100 days. I want to see if I could do it. I want to reconnect. I want to make it right. But real life isn’t the movies. And people don’t change. Well I would for her…I’d change it all.
I want to get out of this place my heads at. It’s really exhausting to be where I am mentally and not know where to turn. All I know is that where ever my mind is currently residing, it’s very dark and not very safe. I heard someone refer to depression as a “blanket”. One day you just kinda get wrapped up in it and you want to struggle and kick and thrash. He said that the real trick is to learn to accept that and let the feeling course through you until it passes. I’ve been trying to do that but after a good 6 months…I’m beginning to think I’m gonna suffocate under this blanket. I gave up the love of my life and the woman I truly wanted to marry to try and save another drug addict best friend that mostly relies on me as a co-dependent than anything else. I don’t know. I wish I had tried to deal with these thoughts sooner…I wish I would of done something months and months ago…I always get it right a year too late.
