Fuck em all. I hate days like this. I hate everything. I get that feeling in my stomach and I want to smash everything. It’s terribly dangerous and I vastly prefer being depressed to this side of my mental bullshit. I try and remember that it’s my mind playing tricks with me but when I’m like this, I don’t care. I want to spit all the vitriol in my head at whoever. I want to be left alone more than anything. Mainly because anything anyone does is going to make me pissed in some way shape or form. Atleast it’s impossible to mistake these moods. I never get this angry.
I’m worried. What if I’m like this the rest of my life? What if I never fix all the things I want to? I probably won’t. I lack the money means or support system to do it. Most likely scenario is I end up alone or dead. Probably both? A fairly significant number of people with borderline seem to end up offing themselves. I don’t think that’s me but when you have days like this I can understand it. It’s not easy to try and suck all this emotion down and not lash out. It’s virtually impossible and if you do pull it off, jesus is it tiring. I can’t imagine what I’d be like if I woke up like this everyday. I guess a miserable bastard. I’m not that guy though.
I guess I want to figure out how to be more of the funny guy that people seem to like. It’s certainly “me” but there also is a fair bit of bullshit tied into all that I feel. I don’t think I can be both that person and this one. They don’t co-exist.
